21 January 2012

A Random Quirk: Consent/Rape

I can sit here and talk to you about trivial topics, but today I want to discuss something a tad bit serious. for some this article may trigger bad or even suppressed thoughts, emotions, or memories. A vague disclaimer is no body’s friend, so please continue on with caution.


I was online the other day and stumbled upon a story (story will be posted below). This story triggered something inside that I kept suppressed. In about two months it will be nine years since a friend took something from me that they shouldn’t have; my dignity, my personal safety, my free will, and my internal security.

On April 8th, 2004, I went to hang out with some friends. We had a three day weekend from school for Easter. Towards the end of the night I was offered a place to crash instead of going all the way home. It was someone who I was friends with so I didn’t think anything of it. After walking all of our other friends home, we came back to her house. We stopped in the kitchen for drinks. The only items to drink in the fridge were Mountain Dew. We then go to her room and start watching The L Word. Once finished a few episodes, we decided to settle in a bit. So she starts playing Evanescence on her computer, I start to feel lightheaded and lay on her bed. She takes notice and sits on the bed, pulling my legs on her. She asks if I am okay. I try to speak, but I could barely muffle a vowel sound let alone a full sentence or word. I then start feeling her drum on my legs. I try to speak again as I feel her hands start moving up my leg to my thigh. I want to stop her, but cannot. I beg and wish and pray to the Lord and the Lady that she is not going to keep going.

“Can’t she see something is wrong? That I am unresponsive?”

She pops my button undone and unzips my jeans. “Please stop. I’m begging you to stop,” I scream internally. Her hands grab my wrists, moving my arms above my head slightly. Slowly I start going in an out of consciousness. I don’t remember my hood being up, but it was at a random moment. I see her head near mine, grinning she forces her lips onto mine. I want to puke. She forces my head to the left. I blink at trying to read the clock. It was blurry but red numbers clearly said 2:15am. It was now Friday, the 9th; “Good Friday”. Slowly, her hand makes its way between my legs, under my boxer briefs. Clenching my eyes closed, wishing this would end soon.

The next thing I remember is waking up on her floor with a blanked, pillow, pajama pants and a shirt. Slowly parts of the night came flooding back. I dress quickly seeing as I was alone. As I finish typing my shoes I check my phone to text for a ride home. It blinked with a new message. One from my mother saying she would be picking me up after work. Checking the time, I realize I would have about five or six hours until that would occur. Placing my phone in my pocked, she came back to her room. She says we will be going to the bar with her mother and friends to shoot some pool. I nod silently, not knowing why she was acting as if nothing happened.

During those last few hours, I barely said a word. I was entirely stuck in my head. When I was really young, a therapist said I was “selective mute.’ This was the first real episode I can remember having.

Later that night, I piled the clothing I was wearing in a corner, except my hoodie. I sought comfort in that hoodie. I shall spare the details for another issue, but I sat there that night contemplating suicide. Calling a friend to come get me to I wasn’t alone saved me.


The reason I am telling you this all is not for sympathy or pity. It took me nearly nine years, but I claimed my independence from that night and person. The night that I was drugged and raped by a ‘friend’.

I want you to know a few things. Rape is not discriminatory. It does not matter your gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, or occupation. It was be a total stranger, that person at the bar or coffee shop your frequent. It could be a friend, someone you had great fun with for months, hours, or years. I could be someone close to or in your family, your parent’s best friend, your aunt/uncle, or religious figure. It can happen to anyone, by anyone, at any time, at any place, anywhere.

Also, I would like to say firmly, consent is not automatically assumed given. Just because a person is wearing something you deem provocative does not give you consent to touch, kiss, or sleep with them. When someone says “no”, “don’t”, or “stop”, among other negative responses, it means no. If you are in the middle of being intimate with someone and they suddenly say to stop, that means stop. Just because you are dating or are married to someone that does not give you the right to become intimate with them when they refuse or that consent is automatically given. Just because you did not receive a “no”, that does not automatically mean “yes”. An intoxicated or high person cannot give consent. A minor cannot give consent. “No” means “no.” Slurred responses mean “no.” Silence means “no.”

I know this article was long and will make some feel discontent. But it was a necessary voice that needed to be heard. And as you read the brief story below that triggered this article, remember to stay safe. Get your own drinks. Go out with friends instead of alone. And walk down a more active or lit road home, even if it takes longer.


"when i was 16, i had a fake i.d. and decided to go to a gay bar by myself because some friends bailed on me. while there, an older gentleman bought me a drink. he wasn’t a creeper, and he definitely wasn’t unattractive. i accepted the drink and began talking to him. no big deal. as the hour progressed, i felt myself feeling strange. i mentioned that i felt like i had a headache, and this guy helped guide me out of the bar. as we were walking down the street, the thought of, “oh god, he’s drugged me. i’m going to die” came to my head. i tried to get away, but i was so drugged up that i could barely walk, let alone speak. it also didn’t help that i had really large “goth” platform shoes because i was going through a phase. anyway, so this guy brought me to his suv and began undressing me. as a final act of defiance, i hit him over the head with my platform shoe. he then punched me, and i remember thinking, “why don’t they ever give workshops to gay guys about being victims of rape too?” while i was as careful as possible, i never saw the guy slip something in the drink. i even watched the bar tender make the drink. anyway, i lied there completely paralyzed while this pervert was lubing up. i locked eyes with his for a moment, and that’s when it happened. a very large and angry drag queen opened the door of the vehicle and beat the shit out of my attempted rapist. she and her other drag friends helped dress and care for me while the police arrived. i was saved by a group guardian drag queens. they were basically the modern day “angels from heaven.""

-Chance M. DeSilvah

20 January 2012

Updated Application for GFB Staff

Hey, ya'll! This is an updated version of our application. If you are interested in becoming a staff member (blogger/vlogger/admin) on GFB, then just simply fill this out in an email to




Pronoun Preferred:

Gender Identity:

Position Applying For (admin/vlogger/blogger/other):

Column Applying For:

Topic Passionate About:

What is one thing that we should know about yourself?

What are you able to bring to GFB if given the position applied?


GFB bloggers must submit minimum of one blog per week or every other week depending on how many bloggers are on your column. If you cannot, then an admin must be notified in a timely matter.

Failure to submit two blogs/vlogs will result in removal from blog/vlog staff.

To be eligible for an admin position, you must have successfully completed six months as a blogger/vlogger in good standing.

GFB staff can enter photo contests, but are not eligible to win.
PLEASE NOTE: Requirements for staff are subject to change at the discretion of and following a majority vote of the current admin staff.
Blogger applicants are also asked to submit a writing sample to be considered, preferably a short bio (roughly 400words).
Vlogger applicants are also asked to submit a video sample to be considered.

How Can I Help You? Second Edition

Relationships are tricky – in fact, relationships will make up the most nonsensical life experiences you will end up having. Other people aren’t supposed to make logical sense to us and frankly, if they did, relationships themselves would be boring as hell. We’re supposed to not understand why that guy won’t call us back, why this girl won’t answer our texts, and all the other wonderful “why’s” that make up young adult dating. It’s part of the fun. And for the times when it’s not so fun…well, that’s what you have GFB for!

Q: “I'm kind of in this situation where I met someone I really liked, and I feel like they led me on, and I had a really bad weekend and ended up telling them to lose my number, ie. I don’t want any contact with them, and then I've sent them a few texts to say that I was sorry and that I would like to try being friends, but I’m really worried that I just totally messed everything up, and I don’t know how to go about fixing things, I guess I just have to wait, but I have real problems with anxiety and am worried that I did a really bad thing and that it’s unforgiveable. I really don’t want them not in my life, but I know that’s totally their call. I know they have issues with anxiety too. I just don’t know how to say sorry in a diff way. I’d really appreciate an outsiders view on this.”

A: As you’ve already admitted to both us and yourself, you did something a bit rash in telling them to not talk to you anymore, when clearly that is not what you wanted.

First things first, you need to take a real deep breath. And then another. Continue on in this same trend until you have calmed yourself enough to remember something – this person likes you. If they did not, they wouldn’t have been talking to you in the first place. Then you need to ask yourself why it is that you felt they were leading you on. If it was anything more than your own insecurities (ie, something they did, said, other such shadiness that went on) then you may want to take time to re-evaluate your feelings about the budding relationship. Maybe you’re the one not ready to move beyond the ‘liking’ them stage, and that is why you lashed out in the way that you did.

If you’ve gone through all of the steps thus far, and concluded that you are calm, actually into this person, and you can form a cogent sentence to express how sorry you are, then any reasonable person would be more than willing to sit down and talk things out with you. The only unforgivable thing you could do, would be to let one bad weekend ruin something that could turn out in the end.

However, I have to say…I don’t much care how ‘bad’ of a weekend you had, that is not an excuse to take out your frustration on the person you’re talking to. There is a flip side to this situation though: now they’ve already seen your foolishness. If you come through this situation, there is fairly high hope for the future.

If you ‘kind of really like’ this person, here is what I want you to do: copy and paste what you just sent to me to answer, to them. Chances are, if they kind-of-really like you back...and in that case, you’re golden.

-Sage Veritas

19 January 2012

It's A Butch World Out There: Bitchin', Butchy Prince Charming

It’s a butch world out there they say, and I’m aiming to face it head on. But what if I never have really considered myself butch before? For the first twenty one years of my life, I had never regarded that as an adjective to describe me. Sure, I enjoyed wearing men’s clothes and hid my bosoms behind baggy shirts and sports bras. Yes, whenever we play Kings Cup and someone drew a 5, I’d prefer to drink with the guys instead of 6 for chicks. But “butch”? I always would shy away from the title. Mainly for the disdain of my relatives whenever I seem to do anything considered “manly”.

“You’re just doing this to try and be more butch. You know, you don’t have to try to look gayer.”

A family member said this to me in reference to me getting my lip pierced at age nineteen. I had never really grown out of my youthful “tomboy” phase, but I didn’t think anything about me screamed raging butch lesbian. I wore women’s jeans, had long hair, and at the time enjoyed occasionally wearing things that may cause a wandering eye to fancy a look or two. So what was it that provoked such a response?

Until recently I hadn’t really pondered over it on a personal level. People would ask, “Well, who’s the butch and who’s the femme?” or “Who’s the guy and who’s the girl?” These questions I admittedly am not fond of, only because it seems inane to assume that any relationship between two persons must be boiled down to one assuming an all masculine role and one adopting a traditionally feminine role. My answer to either of these questions would always be, “I’m just Kai.” Lately though I seek to examine more into butch culture; I want to educate myself on a persona that I am becoming more comfortable adopting as my own.

What classifies one as butch? Does it have to do more with one’s attitude or appearance, or both? Can you be considered “butch” and still have femme-esque attributes?

I feel that butch is a label we can either choose to adopt or not; it all matters on how comfortable you are in your own skin. It can be represented by donning men’s clothing and hairstyles. It can be in your gentlemanly charm when you offer to hold open a door for someone and allow others to go ahead. Being butch does not exclude femininity. (Hell, I’d be the first to admit that a good mani/pedi every now and then is just what the doctor ordered.) For me, it is about the confidence I display in being true to who I am. It is welcoming the notion that I may not be the “Princess” my Grandmother always told me I was, but I am still a bitchin’, butchy Prince Charming.


Kings United: Building Your Drag Persona

Building Your Drag Persona

Hey ya’ll! A little late on posting. I had some difficulties posting this article. My apologizes.

So you want to be a Drag King, eh? Let’s start with building your Drag Persona this week, shall we? First you will need a name. I know a lot of king names are of sexual nature, but that is not a requirement. As long as it reflects your desired image and is easy to pronounce, you are golden. If they cannot say your name correctly, it will get lost in the shuffle along with your performance.

Here are twenty examples:

Ben Dover
Jack Demoff
Chance Encounters
Randy Bush
Jack McJohnson
Buck Frenzy
Russel O’Toole
Teddy Bear/Bare
Buster Hyman
Kamen Cider
Adam Angst
Chaser Round
Shawn McPenis
Bona Fyde
Mac Daddy
Vin Dick-tive
Chase DeNight
Andy Cochrane
Sid Deuce

Just remember, be respectful. If someone already has the name you want to take (google it!), ask for permission. If they are local (same state, city, or local tristate area), then do not use it at all. You do not want to cause confusion or to step on another king’s toes.

Now, is he the same age as you and/or have the same birth date? Not all kings base their drag image off of their selves. Live outside of the box and create a fantasy character. Where is he from? What is his nationality? What about his relationship and/or career choice? These are some basics.

From here you can delve deeper into his individual personality. Is he a leader, a follower, or just a big ole’ rebel? Is he an introvert or extrovert? Does he anger easily or is he a big teddy bear? What are some of his personality traits, admirable or negative? Any flaws to show or redeeming qualities? What are some of his strengths and weaknesses?

There are so many details to continue onto, but those are some starters. The more you perform, the more you will get into your character and build upon that. Many things can change with one’s drag persona throughout the months and/or years of performing. Next you can figure out clothing you drag persona would typically wear. What are the songs/solo performances will he mostly be seen doing. Not all kings to the same genres each time they step onto the stage. Broaden your interests and let your imagination go wild to create great performances.

This is Drag Daddy signing out until next time…

Chance W Encounters
Drag King

17 January 2012

Partner Circle: Dysphoria

I am about to make a brash and possibly offensive blanket statement: no one is happy with the way they look. I for one will be the first one to put myself out there and admit it. I do not like my body, and there was a time when the thought of being naked with another human being, of said human being touching me would literally make me cringe. Dysphoria is, literally speaking, a state of unease or dissatisfaction with yourself, your life, and in many cases, your body. If you have ever avoided eye contact with a mirror, pushed and prodded at parts of yourself hoping they would simply disappear, or hidden yourself under oversized clothing, then listen up, because I am talking to you now.

As I mentioned, I do not like my body. However, being cis-gendered, I am happy with my gender. I am a woman, and my body reflects that. I am extremely lucky in this sense, as it is a luxury that many in the GFB community do not have. In the past, during sex I never wanted to be touched on my stomach, my sides, anywhere that I felt there was ‘too much’ of me. It caused me to push partners away, often physically because my anxiety about my body was too high.

This is something that those in the trans* community live with on a daily basis, not just in a sexual context. Sex with your partner should always be a safe, comfortable, and loving experience, and if it is not then you need to open a dialogue of communication until it is such an experience for both of you. If you are a cis-gendered person, you may not understand just how dysphoric your partner is, especially if it is not a conversation you have ever had. So… have it. Ask the questions, get the answers (and the consent), and touch them how and where they are comfortable. Communication is so vital in these situations because sometimes, your partner telling you what they want may just be too scary for them to be able to voice to you. So make sure you ask. If your partner is a trans*man, his chest is most likely a spot on his body he is not the most comfortable with – and that is just what it is – his chest, not his breasts (boobs, tits, choose your poison). Refer to this as his chest; just as you would refer to his genitals in the male form (dick, hard, what have you) as mentally, that is what he is equipped with.

The most important thing with respecting your partners body or gender dysphoria is that sex is never ordinary or routine. It is different for every relationship, for every two people. Just because something was okay with one person you were with does not mean it will be okay with another, so please, I am begging you… make sure you ask. Plus, let’s face it – consent is fucking sexy.

Xx Emily

16 January 2012

No Boundaries: Bathrooms

This week lets talk about that thing we have to do every day but hate doing... Using the public bathroom!

I'm not sure about you but knowing that when I go out I will have to use to public bathroom and betting that most likely I will have some awkward moment or confrontation, it makes me uneasy. You're out with your friends for a movie night, you're excited and happy being accept by your friends and enjoying the movie. have to pee... your walk to the restroom seems longer than it really is as you decide if you want to go into the restroom you're used to going into or the restroom where you probably will pass better in. Then when you decide to use the restroom you usually go into as is the one that matches the marker on your ID, then you decide if you want to act more like those in that restroom to hopefully not deal with those who will give you a hard time or just walk in, hold your breath and hope no one gives you dirty looks or yells at you for using the restroom. Oh the things my androgynous friends and I've heard in restroom:

You're in the wrong restroom!

Do you know this is the ladies?!

You know your boyfriend isn't allowed in here! (referring to another Genderqueer partner I was dating at the time)

This is the men's restroom over here! Stop! That's the women's!

Uh.. do I have to get security?

I'm sorry but I'm 5'5" and only 125 pounds.. I'm small and if I was a bio male I'd be what, maybe 14 years old and most women could take me if I did anything. So please just let me go in, do my thing and get out, I'm not going to rape anyone as a lesbian or as the boy most people think I am! Whenever I see a unisex bathroom I get so happy that sometimes I even text my friends and tell them I didn't have to panic or debate on trying to create some girly model walk before I go in. I get that I have a shaved head and wear men's clothes so I don't get mad at people, I just feel like I'm educating them, but sometimes I feel like they might cause more trouble then just odd looks. I don't always feel safe, sadly out of fear of the unknown and being uneducated people have been beaten up for using the restroom in which those in the restroom don't understand that each person is individual and has the right to go in whichever restroom they feel fits who they're best. I can handle having looks and such, I love educating and helping people figure out societies 'male' and 'female' are just the extremes and that there is a huge group of people in the middle. I can't wait for the day when we can go into the bathroom which ever we pick and not have to have our guard up. Until that wonderful day is here, I've found a website that you can find and post gender neutral bathrooms to help each other out.

I hope I've helped with with your future bathroom needs :)


15 January 2012

FTM Chronicles: Inappropriate Questions And Video

“You pass so well that I wouldn’t have known you were a girl!”

“How do you have sex?”

“What is your real name?”

“Are you friends with Chaz Bono?”

“So... did you have the surgery yet? Like the surgery?”

“You’re my token tranny. Oh don’t look at me like that. ‘Tranny’ is not a slur. You know I mean it in the nicest way possible.”

How many times have we heard these and countless other statements and questions from cis gendered people? I do not think I could personally count how many times I have heard these said to me or to my brothers. It happens daily to those that confide in their cis gendered friends and family and even on occasion from other trans* guys. The fact that these people believe they are entitled to the knowledge of the answers to these things. I understand some people being ignorant on the subject and want to know general things to inform themselves, but to ask for specifics such as “real name” and personal surgical procedures? That is going too far.

Now what if one day I just turn around and ask you (cis gendered person) a few personal questions.

Really? Are you sure you are not trans* because you sound and look like one?”

“How do you have sex?”

“When did you know you were really a boy/girl?”

“Were you always ‘John’ or were you once ‘Jane’?”

“Do you know Robert Pattinson?”

“I’m glad to have a token cis person in my life. Of course I mean that in the nicest way possible.”

What would your reaction be to that? I highly doubt you would feel comfortable. I can picture you squirming in your seat from discontent right now. Palms sweaty and your eyes avoiding mine. Feeling uneasy at being called ‘cis.’ And you have not the slightest clue as to why. Well, I will tell you why. It is because that is how we feel and react whenever we are asked a personal question about our gender identity and transition. We feel it whenever you think you have the authority to label us. If you do not like feeling like this, then do not make us feel this way.

Another thing that leaves a bad taste of discontent in my mouth is this video I recently saw. Some of you may think it is funny, hilarious even, but I do not. The video is called “Sh*t Trans* Guys Say.” The video is a spinoff of all the other videos out there that talk about offensive phrases said to a group of people, such as “Shit cis people say to trans* men,” “shit straight guys say to lesbians,” and “shit Christians say to Jewish people.” These videos highlight on our societies shortcomings and ignorance in a comedic way to be educational. To find a way to get those saying these things to realize how offensive they are being by letting these things fly from their mouths. The video, “Sh*t Trans* Guys Say,” is not educational in the slightest. It just shows prejudice against the trans* men community. As if saying things such as, “does this shirt make me look flat?” or making video journals to mark checkpoints in one’s transition, makes someone “too trans*” or not “trans* enough.” Those that are not a trans* male or do not know one personally who watch this video will wind up thinking that all trans* males act and speak as shown in the video. Each person is different. Each transition is different. I understand that the person who made the video is a trans* male, but he does not have the right to put the rest of us in the same “trans* box” as him. Maybe I am the only one who found it offensive. Who knows? Or maybe I am just the only one who is blunt enough to speak my mind on how offensive this video really is. Again, who knows?

I could lie and say this article will change things, but I am not a liar. It may enlighten some people and make them feel the need to change. Some will, but a lot will fail. Mostly because even though they know it is wrong, they internally do not really want to change. Let’s hope that it does at least help one person change their behavior. Helping one may lead to that person helping another who will then help another, so on and so forth.