Hey there, ya’ll. Hopefully everyone had a great week. As some may have noticed, there was not an article yesterday for “How Can I Help you?” The reason to why that had happened was that there weren’t any emails sent in for advice. We would like to have two advice emails to respond to each week, or one if it is a longer response is needed to fully respond.
Now in other news, our first Boi of the Month for 2012 is under way. Good luck to the contestants, though I see this as a tight race ;) solo diciendo.
We also have a new edition to our columns. She will be announced with her bio once it is received. Ideally we would like to have a minimum of two columnists to each column. There are plenty of spots still open if anyone is interested. The application is short and simple. So please do apply, even if you have never written a blog or article before. We all help each other here at GFB so you will never be left alone.
As it stands currently on our columns:
Sundays is “FTM Chronicles” with WulfBoi
Mondays is “No Boundaries” with Chels
Tuesdays is “Partner Circle” with Emily
Wednesdays is “Kings United” with Chance Encounters
Thursdays is “It’s a Butch World Out There” with Kai
Fridays is “How Can I Help You?” with Sage Veritas
Saturdays is “A Random Quirk” with no particular author.
We mentioned the other day that we would like to add poetry and short stories to be posted on “A Random Quirk,” so if you would like to be a part of that then please utilize our Guest Submissions form and send it in to random.quirk_gfb@yahoo.com
Rawr!!!!
WulfBoi
28 January 2012
26 January 2012
It's A Butch World Out There: Gender Roles in Childhood
I was always one more apt to play with the boys. We shared the same interests (football, climbing trees, sword fighting, Sega Genesis) and there was always a very good chance that you’d find identical grass stains on the knees of our jeans. So when they were allowed to go without a shirt at the swimming pool, or wear pants instead of dresses to church, I would always wonder why I couldn’t do the same. Embarrassing as it is to admit, I was that girl who would stand in front of my mirror and strike poses. Not like the Madonna, “Strike a Pose” look…more like the “stand-there-in-my-jeans-shirtless-and-flex-my-non-existant-pecs-and-biceps” pose. I absolutely abhorred playing with Barbie dolls and the color pink. I still do dislike Barbies, though I’m slightly more open to pink if I absolutely must. But at that younger age, you can still get by with being one of the boys on the playground.
Things like more masculine interests only seem to cause issue when you’re supposed to grow out of that “phase”.
But what if it isn’t a phase at all? What if the kids that parents try to mold into these acceptable gender roles are really quite happy with the company they keep and the interests they have?
I consider myself among the lucky in that my family has been supportive of the activities I find appealing, even if they tend to fall into the more masculine category. They never made me feel different or wrong for not being like the majority of my cis-gendered female peers. They never told me to stop being who I was. And you know, I’m not perfect—no one is. I have had my share of ups and downs like everyone else, no matter how you identify. But how I express myself, through my clothes or hobbies has no bearing on the individual I have become. Therefore, I’d like to send a message to these parents who are so set on sticking their children into the limited realm of gender roles:
Kids are kids. Whether your boys play with footballs or dolls, or your girls done bow-ties or bangles—they’re your children. Support them and do not just label who they are as a “phase” to be gone through.
Worst case scenario, they’ll end up like me: a big ol’ butch. And you know what, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing; I’m pretty fucking awesome just as I am.
Kai
Things like more masculine interests only seem to cause issue when you’re supposed to grow out of that “phase”.
But what if it isn’t a phase at all? What if the kids that parents try to mold into these acceptable gender roles are really quite happy with the company they keep and the interests they have?
I consider myself among the lucky in that my family has been supportive of the activities I find appealing, even if they tend to fall into the more masculine category. They never made me feel different or wrong for not being like the majority of my cis-gendered female peers. They never told me to stop being who I was. And you know, I’m not perfect—no one is. I have had my share of ups and downs like everyone else, no matter how you identify. But how I express myself, through my clothes or hobbies has no bearing on the individual I have become. Therefore, I’d like to send a message to these parents who are so set on sticking their children into the limited realm of gender roles:
Kids are kids. Whether your boys play with footballs or dolls, or your girls done bow-ties or bangles—they’re your children. Support them and do not just label who they are as a “phase” to be gone through.
Worst case scenario, they’ll end up like me: a big ol’ butch. And you know what, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing; I’m pretty fucking awesome just as I am.
Kai
Kings United: Packing
Hey, ya’ll! Now that we have gotten you started on building your drag persona, let’s start working on your appearance. Drag kings are male impersonators and to do so, you are attempting to pass as a male.
Three major points in doing so are:
1. Packing
2. Binding
3. Facial Hair
Today we will focus on number one, packing. There are a few ways to pack. Some areas have stores that sell packers. Packers are a softer form of dildos that are not useable for being intimate. There are some that are, but for king purposes, you do not need to buy the expensive ones that are versatile. You may be able to find a cheap packer at a local adult store nearby for around $15-20. Most guys are not exactly bulging from the pants so unless you are going for a big reaction from it, do not go big. Smaller is better. Normally they sell them in sizes XS, S, M, L, and some places have XL. I am not hugely built so a size small does just fine and it is fine for any average sized king. You will want to either buy a packer strap to hold it in place or wear boxer briefs to hold it in place. I have never had a problem with my boxer briefs holding it in place so if you do not have to spend the extra money on a strap, I wouldn’t. Why waste money?
Another cheap way to pack is with a sock. Now socks do not pass the “squeeze test” like a packer does, but if you are not expecting to be grabbed, then there will not be an issue. A way to check sizing on sock packing is simple. If you are using a long sock, just try rolling it up once military style (you should be able to youtube this, if not then I shall make a quick short video on it for our channel if needed so just let me know). That should be the right size. If you do not have long socks, try two normal size ankle socks in the same fashion. If that does not, then add a third, but I think it should.
I have heard of kings using other things like filling a condom up with jelly fluid or a vegetable and tying it to your thigh. I STRONGLY advise against that. You should never tie anything to your thigh. You can really damage yourself by cutting of the circulation. If you have a question on whether or not to use something, that is what I am here for. So please ask if you need help or advice on packing. It is always better to play it safe.
Until next week when I cover binding… this is your drag daddy signing off.
Chance W Encounters
Drag King
Three major points in doing so are:
1. Packing
2. Binding
3. Facial Hair
Today we will focus on number one, packing. There are a few ways to pack. Some areas have stores that sell packers. Packers are a softer form of dildos that are not useable for being intimate. There are some that are, but for king purposes, you do not need to buy the expensive ones that are versatile. You may be able to find a cheap packer at a local adult store nearby for around $15-20. Most guys are not exactly bulging from the pants so unless you are going for a big reaction from it, do not go big. Smaller is better. Normally they sell them in sizes XS, S, M, L, and some places have XL. I am not hugely built so a size small does just fine and it is fine for any average sized king. You will want to either buy a packer strap to hold it in place or wear boxer briefs to hold it in place. I have never had a problem with my boxer briefs holding it in place so if you do not have to spend the extra money on a strap, I wouldn’t. Why waste money?
Another cheap way to pack is with a sock. Now socks do not pass the “squeeze test” like a packer does, but if you are not expecting to be grabbed, then there will not be an issue. A way to check sizing on sock packing is simple. If you are using a long sock, just try rolling it up once military style (you should be able to youtube this, if not then I shall make a quick short video on it for our channel if needed so just let me know). That should be the right size. If you do not have long socks, try two normal size ankle socks in the same fashion. If that does not, then add a third, but I think it should.
I have heard of kings using other things like filling a condom up with jelly fluid or a vegetable and tying it to your thigh. I STRONGLY advise against that. You should never tie anything to your thigh. You can really damage yourself by cutting of the circulation. If you have a question on whether or not to use something, that is what I am here for. So please ask if you need help or advice on packing. It is always better to play it safe.
Until next week when I cover binding… this is your drag daddy signing off.
Chance W Encounters
Drag King
24 January 2012
Partner Circle: Standing By Your Man
There is an old country song in which the female singer croons “stand by your man” in a slow, dulcet melody. I am sure that at the time this song came out, millions of housewives of husbands with drinking problems sung along with her, proclaiming their commitment to their “man”. Right now, I am about to take this song in a direction I am more than sure was never intended, so please bear with me.
First off, the term ‘man’ in this song, to me, is not simply a male figure but rather your partner – whether it be a wife, husband, domestic partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, or simply best friend. No matter the label, the sentiment rings true. We all need to stand by, stand strong with, and most importantly stand up for those who are important to us.
This is especially important when your partner or friend is trans*, boi, or gender non-conforming identifying. This means not only accepting them for who they are and embracing their identity (a topic which I will touch on in a later blog, I promise) but also standing up for them when outsiders raise the issue. This is almost more important for your partner than for yourself, or even the outsider in question in that it shows the person you are close with how much you love, support, and care about them.
Now for the amusing anecdote from my own life, which I believe everyone in this community can relate to from one time or another. My best friend is a self-proclaimed “big ol’ dyke” and I love her for it. I would not have it any other way, in fact. As someone who tends to dress in a more ‘femme’ way but is also known to dabble in male-categorized clothing from time to time, I am a full supporter of wearing whatever the hell you want to wear. This is why whenever anyone raises a question of my friend’s gender due to her more generally ‘masculine’ clothing choices, I take up issue with said person – I have been known to get more impassioned about the issue than the person being misgendered, in fact. I am okay with this, and I see it as just another way of showing my friends how much I care about and support them.
This issue is also quite an important one is your partner is trans* identifying, or even may be questioning their gender identity. Your partner needs to know that you support and love who they are as a person and that they can feel comfortable being their entire selves around you. This means not only expressing directly to them these sentiments, but also standing up when others bring it up as an issue – especially when the person bringing it up is in your circle of friends. If your friends slip up on pronouns, call them on it. If it seems to be a continuous occurrence or you fear it is being done on purpose, pull them aside and talk to them about how important it is that they respect your partner and your relationship with that person. More than likely, it is not being done with any malicious intent. However, if your friends are purposely using the wrong pronouns or even trying to call your partner by their government name simply to ‘get a rise out of them’ then you need to do some thinking about who your friends are. This has never been something I have encountered personally, but I know people that have had to put up with it, and it is simply not right. Your partner should feel one hundred percent comfortable around you and your friends, especially if you are close with them. Any time they are with you they should feel safe, and standing up for them is a big part of making sure they feel that way.
So I would like to say a big thank you to the fabulous Tammy Wynette for writing a song that seventy years later can be applied to a topic on a GFB blog. I doubt that is what she had in mind for her ballad, but thanks anyway Tammy.
Xx Emily
First off, the term ‘man’ in this song, to me, is not simply a male figure but rather your partner – whether it be a wife, husband, domestic partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, or simply best friend. No matter the label, the sentiment rings true. We all need to stand by, stand strong with, and most importantly stand up for those who are important to us.
This is especially important when your partner or friend is trans*, boi, or gender non-conforming identifying. This means not only accepting them for who they are and embracing their identity (a topic which I will touch on in a later blog, I promise) but also standing up for them when outsiders raise the issue. This is almost more important for your partner than for yourself, or even the outsider in question in that it shows the person you are close with how much you love, support, and care about them.
Now for the amusing anecdote from my own life, which I believe everyone in this community can relate to from one time or another. My best friend is a self-proclaimed “big ol’ dyke” and I love her for it. I would not have it any other way, in fact. As someone who tends to dress in a more ‘femme’ way but is also known to dabble in male-categorized clothing from time to time, I am a full supporter of wearing whatever the hell you want to wear. This is why whenever anyone raises a question of my friend’s gender due to her more generally ‘masculine’ clothing choices, I take up issue with said person – I have been known to get more impassioned about the issue than the person being misgendered, in fact. I am okay with this, and I see it as just another way of showing my friends how much I care about and support them.
This issue is also quite an important one is your partner is trans* identifying, or even may be questioning their gender identity. Your partner needs to know that you support and love who they are as a person and that they can feel comfortable being their entire selves around you. This means not only expressing directly to them these sentiments, but also standing up when others bring it up as an issue – especially when the person bringing it up is in your circle of friends. If your friends slip up on pronouns, call them on it. If it seems to be a continuous occurrence or you fear it is being done on purpose, pull them aside and talk to them about how important it is that they respect your partner and your relationship with that person. More than likely, it is not being done with any malicious intent. However, if your friends are purposely using the wrong pronouns or even trying to call your partner by their government name simply to ‘get a rise out of them’ then you need to do some thinking about who your friends are. This has never been something I have encountered personally, but I know people that have had to put up with it, and it is simply not right. Your partner should feel one hundred percent comfortable around you and your friends, especially if you are close with them. Any time they are with you they should feel safe, and standing up for them is a big part of making sure they feel that way.
So I would like to say a big thank you to the fabulous Tammy Wynette for writing a song that seventy years later can be applied to a topic on a GFB blog. I doubt that is what she had in mind for her ballad, but thanks anyway Tammy.
Xx Emily
23 January 2012
No Boundaries: Clothing
Oh clothing, never a fun thing to pick out when you're 5 feet 5 inches and the average male is about 5 feet 10 inches. I'm somewhere in between boy clothing sizes and men's, as I'm sure much of you are as well so I've compiled a list of stores/websites that have androgynous clothes where you can usually buy them off the rack without any alterations. Also keep in mind that US clothes in men's and boy's are usually cut a little bigger in the stomach due to all of our obesity and fast food, if you can order from a store/site out of the US you have a better chance of getting something that doesn't make you look like a box! (Canada is a great place to get clothing) I hope this helps you from not panicking anymore or having to spend a lot on tailors. :D
Happy shopping!!
~ Chels
http://www.hm.com/us/
http://www.undergear.com/Clothing/ug-clothing,default,sc.html
http://www.zara.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/category/us/en/zara-us-W2011-s/172053/T-shirts
http://www.thebutchclothingcompany.co.uk/site/lookbook.html
http://amesbrosshop.com/
http://www.alternativeapparel.com/store/Men/Polos-Button-Downs/261.htm
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/faceted_category.jsp?indexStart=0&categories=catalog01_mens&categories2=catalog01_mens_m_tops
Happy shopping!!
~ Chels
http://www.hm.com/us/
http://www.undergear.com/Clothing/ug-clothing,default,sc.html
http://www.zara.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/category/us/en/zara-us-W2011-s/172053/T-shirts
http://www.thebutchclothingcompany.co.uk/site/lookbook.html
http://amesbrosshop.com/
http://www.alternativeapparel.com/store/Men/Polos-Button-Downs/261.htm
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/faceted_category.jsp?indexStart=0&categories=catalog01_mens&categories2=catalog01_mens_m_tops
22 January 2012
FTM Chronicles: Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation
It seems as though recently all I have been answering to people is the difference between Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation. It is mostly cis-gendered (those who’s gender identity matches their physical gender) people who ask the difference since they do not understand where the difference lies since they had not been exposed to it, educationally speaking nor socially. Therefore, I shall write it all down in hopes to clarify for all. Most people do not even realize the difference. It is mostly because society lumps them together as the same. For example, in the acronym LGBT, do you see the odd man in there? If you said the “T”, then you are correct. LGB are sexual orientations, whereas T, which stands for trans*, is not.
“A gender identity is the way in which an individual self-identifies with a gender category, for example, as being either a man or a woman, or in some cases being neither, which can be distinct from biological sex.”
“Sexual orientation describes an enduring pattern of attraction—emotional, romantic, sexual, or some combination of these—to the opposite sex, the same sex, both, or neither, and the genders that accompany them.”
Gender Identity is who a person is internally, whether it is male, female, both or neither. It is the gender one identifies with being. Most people are cis-gender, but there are many that are not. Those who do not have matching gender identities and physical genders are transgender. Now there are a lot of terms underneath the trans* umbrella. I will not dive into that in this article.
Sexual Orientation refers to who one is attracted to romantically. Every person has a sexual orientation, including trans* men and women. There are many variations of sexual orientations out there. Straight (heterosexual), gay/lesbian (homosexual), bisexual, asexual, queer, pansexual. And the list goes on.
Hopefully, for those confused on the difference, that this helps you understand the difference between Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation. If it does not, then please write in, via commenting or email (Genderfuk.Boiz@yahoo.com).
Have a great day, ya’ll!
RAWR!!!!
-WulfBoi
“A gender identity is the way in which an individual self-identifies with a gender category, for example, as being either a man or a woman, or in some cases being neither, which can be distinct from biological sex.”
“Sexual orientation describes an enduring pattern of attraction—emotional, romantic, sexual, or some combination of these—to the opposite sex, the same sex, both, or neither, and the genders that accompany them.”
Gender Identity is who a person is internally, whether it is male, female, both or neither. It is the gender one identifies with being. Most people are cis-gender, but there are many that are not. Those who do not have matching gender identities and physical genders are transgender. Now there are a lot of terms underneath the trans* umbrella. I will not dive into that in this article.
Sexual Orientation refers to who one is attracted to romantically. Every person has a sexual orientation, including trans* men and women. There are many variations of sexual orientations out there. Straight (heterosexual), gay/lesbian (homosexual), bisexual, asexual, queer, pansexual. And the list goes on.
Hopefully, for those confused on the difference, that this helps you understand the difference between Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation. If it does not, then please write in, via commenting or email (Genderfuk.Boiz@yahoo.com).
Have a great day, ya’ll!
RAWR!!!!
-WulfBoi
21 January 2012
A Random Quirk: Consent/Rape
I can sit here and talk to you about trivial topics, but today I want to discuss something a tad bit serious. for some this article may trigger bad or even suppressed thoughts, emotions, or memories. A vague disclaimer is no body’s friend, so please continue on with caution.
~~~~
I was online the other day and stumbled upon a story (story will be posted below). This story triggered something inside that I kept suppressed. In about two months it will be nine years since a friend took something from me that they shouldn’t have; my dignity, my personal safety, my free will, and my internal security.
On April 8th, 2004, I went to hang out with some friends. We had a three day weekend from school for Easter. Towards the end of the night I was offered a place to crash instead of going all the way home. It was someone who I was friends with so I didn’t think anything of it. After walking all of our other friends home, we came back to her house. We stopped in the kitchen for drinks. The only items to drink in the fridge were Mountain Dew. We then go to her room and start watching The L Word. Once finished a few episodes, we decided to settle in a bit. So she starts playing Evanescence on her computer, I start to feel lightheaded and lay on her bed. She takes notice and sits on the bed, pulling my legs on her. She asks if I am okay. I try to speak, but I could barely muffle a vowel sound let alone a full sentence or word. I then start feeling her drum on my legs. I try to speak again as I feel her hands start moving up my leg to my thigh. I want to stop her, but cannot. I beg and wish and pray to the Lord and the Lady that she is not going to keep going.
“Can’t she see something is wrong? That I am unresponsive?”
She pops my button undone and unzips my jeans. “Please stop. I’m begging you to stop,” I scream internally. Her hands grab my wrists, moving my arms above my head slightly. Slowly I start going in an out of consciousness. I don’t remember my hood being up, but it was at a random moment. I see her head near mine, grinning she forces her lips onto mine. I want to puke. She forces my head to the left. I blink at trying to read the clock. It was blurry but red numbers clearly said 2:15am. It was now Friday, the 9th; “Good Friday”. Slowly, her hand makes its way between my legs, under my boxer briefs. Clenching my eyes closed, wishing this would end soon.
The next thing I remember is waking up on her floor with a blanked, pillow, pajama pants and a shirt. Slowly parts of the night came flooding back. I dress quickly seeing as I was alone. As I finish typing my shoes I check my phone to text for a ride home. It blinked with a new message. One from my mother saying she would be picking me up after work. Checking the time, I realize I would have about five or six hours until that would occur. Placing my phone in my pocked, she came back to her room. She says we will be going to the bar with her mother and friends to shoot some pool. I nod silently, not knowing why she was acting as if nothing happened.
During those last few hours, I barely said a word. I was entirely stuck in my head. When I was really young, a therapist said I was “selective mute.’ This was the first real episode I can remember having.
Later that night, I piled the clothing I was wearing in a corner, except my hoodie. I sought comfort in that hoodie. I shall spare the details for another issue, but I sat there that night contemplating suicide. Calling a friend to come get me to I wasn’t alone saved me.
~~~~
The reason I am telling you this all is not for sympathy or pity. It took me nearly nine years, but I claimed my independence from that night and person. The night that I was drugged and raped by a ‘friend’.
I want you to know a few things. Rape is not discriminatory. It does not matter your gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, or occupation. It was be a total stranger, that person at the bar or coffee shop your frequent. It could be a friend, someone you had great fun with for months, hours, or years. I could be someone close to or in your family, your parent’s best friend, your aunt/uncle, or religious figure. It can happen to anyone, by anyone, at any time, at any place, anywhere.
Also, I would like to say firmly, consent is not automatically assumed given. Just because a person is wearing something you deem provocative does not give you consent to touch, kiss, or sleep with them. When someone says “no”, “don’t”, or “stop”, among other negative responses, it means no. If you are in the middle of being intimate with someone and they suddenly say to stop, that means stop. Just because you are dating or are married to someone that does not give you the right to become intimate with them when they refuse or that consent is automatically given. Just because you did not receive a “no”, that does not automatically mean “yes”. An intoxicated or high person cannot give consent. A minor cannot give consent. “No” means “no.” Slurred responses mean “no.” Silence means “no.”
I know this article was long and will make some feel discontent. But it was a necessary voice that needed to be heard. And as you read the brief story below that triggered this article, remember to stay safe. Get your own drinks. Go out with friends instead of alone. And walk down a more active or lit road home, even if it takes longer.
~~~~
"when i was 16, i had a fake i.d. and decided to go to a gay bar by myself because some friends bailed on me. while there, an older gentleman bought me a drink. he wasn’t a creeper, and he definitely wasn’t unattractive. i accepted the drink and began talking to him. no big deal. as the hour progressed, i felt myself feeling strange. i mentioned that i felt like i had a headache, and this guy helped guide me out of the bar. as we were walking down the street, the thought of, “oh god, he’s drugged me. i’m going to die” came to my head. i tried to get away, but i was so drugged up that i could barely walk, let alone speak. it also didn’t help that i had really large “goth” platform shoes because i was going through a phase. anyway, so this guy brought me to his suv and began undressing me. as a final act of defiance, i hit him over the head with my platform shoe. he then punched me, and i remember thinking, “why don’t they ever give workshops to gay guys about being victims of rape too?” while i was as careful as possible, i never saw the guy slip something in the drink. i even watched the bar tender make the drink. anyway, i lied there completely paralyzed while this pervert was lubing up. i locked eyes with his for a moment, and that’s when it happened. a very large and angry drag queen opened the door of the vehicle and beat the shit out of my attempted rapist. she and her other drag friends helped dress and care for me while the police arrived. i was saved by a group guardian drag queens. they were basically the modern day “angels from heaven.""
-Chance M. DeSilvah
Survivor
~~~~
I was online the other day and stumbled upon a story (story will be posted below). This story triggered something inside that I kept suppressed. In about two months it will be nine years since a friend took something from me that they shouldn’t have; my dignity, my personal safety, my free will, and my internal security.
On April 8th, 2004, I went to hang out with some friends. We had a three day weekend from school for Easter. Towards the end of the night I was offered a place to crash instead of going all the way home. It was someone who I was friends with so I didn’t think anything of it. After walking all of our other friends home, we came back to her house. We stopped in the kitchen for drinks. The only items to drink in the fridge were Mountain Dew. We then go to her room and start watching The L Word. Once finished a few episodes, we decided to settle in a bit. So she starts playing Evanescence on her computer, I start to feel lightheaded and lay on her bed. She takes notice and sits on the bed, pulling my legs on her. She asks if I am okay. I try to speak, but I could barely muffle a vowel sound let alone a full sentence or word. I then start feeling her drum on my legs. I try to speak again as I feel her hands start moving up my leg to my thigh. I want to stop her, but cannot. I beg and wish and pray to the Lord and the Lady that she is not going to keep going.
“Can’t she see something is wrong? That I am unresponsive?”
She pops my button undone and unzips my jeans. “Please stop. I’m begging you to stop,” I scream internally. Her hands grab my wrists, moving my arms above my head slightly. Slowly I start going in an out of consciousness. I don’t remember my hood being up, but it was at a random moment. I see her head near mine, grinning she forces her lips onto mine. I want to puke. She forces my head to the left. I blink at trying to read the clock. It was blurry but red numbers clearly said 2:15am. It was now Friday, the 9th; “Good Friday”. Slowly, her hand makes its way between my legs, under my boxer briefs. Clenching my eyes closed, wishing this would end soon.
The next thing I remember is waking up on her floor with a blanked, pillow, pajama pants and a shirt. Slowly parts of the night came flooding back. I dress quickly seeing as I was alone. As I finish typing my shoes I check my phone to text for a ride home. It blinked with a new message. One from my mother saying she would be picking me up after work. Checking the time, I realize I would have about five or six hours until that would occur. Placing my phone in my pocked, she came back to her room. She says we will be going to the bar with her mother and friends to shoot some pool. I nod silently, not knowing why she was acting as if nothing happened.
During those last few hours, I barely said a word. I was entirely stuck in my head. When I was really young, a therapist said I was “selective mute.’ This was the first real episode I can remember having.
Later that night, I piled the clothing I was wearing in a corner, except my hoodie. I sought comfort in that hoodie. I shall spare the details for another issue, but I sat there that night contemplating suicide. Calling a friend to come get me to I wasn’t alone saved me.
~~~~
The reason I am telling you this all is not for sympathy or pity. It took me nearly nine years, but I claimed my independence from that night and person. The night that I was drugged and raped by a ‘friend’.
I want you to know a few things. Rape is not discriminatory. It does not matter your gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, or occupation. It was be a total stranger, that person at the bar or coffee shop your frequent. It could be a friend, someone you had great fun with for months, hours, or years. I could be someone close to or in your family, your parent’s best friend, your aunt/uncle, or religious figure. It can happen to anyone, by anyone, at any time, at any place, anywhere.
Also, I would like to say firmly, consent is not automatically assumed given. Just because a person is wearing something you deem provocative does not give you consent to touch, kiss, or sleep with them. When someone says “no”, “don’t”, or “stop”, among other negative responses, it means no. If you are in the middle of being intimate with someone and they suddenly say to stop, that means stop. Just because you are dating or are married to someone that does not give you the right to become intimate with them when they refuse or that consent is automatically given. Just because you did not receive a “no”, that does not automatically mean “yes”. An intoxicated or high person cannot give consent. A minor cannot give consent. “No” means “no.” Slurred responses mean “no.” Silence means “no.”
I know this article was long and will make some feel discontent. But it was a necessary voice that needed to be heard. And as you read the brief story below that triggered this article, remember to stay safe. Get your own drinks. Go out with friends instead of alone. And walk down a more active or lit road home, even if it takes longer.
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"when i was 16, i had a fake i.d. and decided to go to a gay bar by myself because some friends bailed on me. while there, an older gentleman bought me a drink. he wasn’t a creeper, and he definitely wasn’t unattractive. i accepted the drink and began talking to him. no big deal. as the hour progressed, i felt myself feeling strange. i mentioned that i felt like i had a headache, and this guy helped guide me out of the bar. as we were walking down the street, the thought of, “oh god, he’s drugged me. i’m going to die” came to my head. i tried to get away, but i was so drugged up that i could barely walk, let alone speak. it also didn’t help that i had really large “goth” platform shoes because i was going through a phase. anyway, so this guy brought me to his suv and began undressing me. as a final act of defiance, i hit him over the head with my platform shoe. he then punched me, and i remember thinking, “why don’t they ever give workshops to gay guys about being victims of rape too?” while i was as careful as possible, i never saw the guy slip something in the drink. i even watched the bar tender make the drink. anyway, i lied there completely paralyzed while this pervert was lubing up. i locked eyes with his for a moment, and that’s when it happened. a very large and angry drag queen opened the door of the vehicle and beat the shit out of my attempted rapist. she and her other drag friends helped dress and care for me while the police arrived. i was saved by a group guardian drag queens. they were basically the modern day “angels from heaven.""
-Chance M. DeSilvah
Survivor
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